We love Pokémon. We think they’re gorgeous. But not all Pokémon are equal. Some are absolutely, unequivocally, awful. Here are the top ten Pokémon that make me want to shiver off my own skin.
Now, a lot of people will point out that such things are subjective. What’s a hideous pocket monster to one person might be adorable to another. So let’s get it straight before we start: No.
There’s a line. There’s a limit to what’s tolerable. And if you, because you’re downright strange, think that Beldum is the most gorgeous little, um, metal tube, then good on you. You be you. And we’re not throwing the usual characters under the bus here—there’s nothing wrong with Sawk and Throh! But this is a collection of the creatures that are just flat-out intolerable, and dissent will not be tolerated.
Oh, and before we start, a massive thanks to Bulbagarden, the amazing Pokémon wiki that collates information about everything imaginable to do with the franchise, as well as collecting all the Pokédex entries.
Probopass
There’s literally nothing right about Probopass. The evolution of the almost-as-bad Nosepass, Probopass looks like an AI image generator’s attempt to cram as many offensive stereotypes as is possible into one creature.
This monstrosity has four noses, one of them the ludicrously large red schnoz on the front, below which sits a collection of iron filings in the shape of a moustache.
Pokédex entries inform us it’s also a colossal pain in the ass, since “It radiates such a powerful magnetic field that nearby electrical appliances become unusable.” Great, thanks Probopass.
It’s also an idiot. According to Pokémon Ultra Sun, “Although it can control its units known as Mini-Noses, they sometimes get lost and don’t come back.”
Bruxish
Pokémon has a real problem with creating flirtatious-looking characters, as if it wants its players to fancy the Pheromosa or whatever. But in Bruxish, it went way too far.
What the holy unliving hell is this wretched beast? It’s a garish fish that’s fluttering its enormous eyelashes at us, lips pouted, revealing the sharp, pointy teeth that would prove a mercy if used to kill us.
Oh, and name a more annoying habit than grinding your teeth. That’s how Bruxish “stimulates its brain,” according to Pokémon Scarlet, which generates the psychic force it uses to lure in prey. And Pokémon Sun adds, “When it unleashes its psychic power from the protuberance on its head, the grating sound of grinding teeth echoes through the area.”
Blacephalon
An awful lot of Pokémon’s names are based on puns. Whether in Japanese or English (or indeed many other localizations), names are chosen to provide a knowing nod. In the case of this hellspawn, I think it’s fair to assume Blacephalon is pointing us toward the word “blasphemy.”
(Actually it’s a lot more clever than that, but I’m doing a bit here.)
Nothing has so ever oversold the term “Ultra Beast” as this horrific clown-like aberration, with its removable head it uses as a weapon.
It’s homeworld is unseeable, and according to Ultra Sun, “It slithers toward people. Then, without warning, it triggers the explosion of its own head.”
Slithers.
We’re going to need more crucifixes and bibles, stat.
Musharna
This is a Pokémon, despite looking like…look, we’re all grown ups, it looks like a semi-developed fetus with its umbilical cord attached. Or perhaps a human kidney.
But just to make sure it’s even more nightmarish, this is a Pokémon that keeps its eyes closed all the time, apart from when it sleeps.
Oh, and it eats people’s dreams!
That hideous protuberance from its forehead is in fact “dream mist,” and it’s made of your dreams that it stole. And Pokémon Sword informs us, “When dark mists emanate from its body, don’t get too near. If you do, your nightmares will become reality.”
Cubchoo
“I know!” said Simon Pokémon, waking up in the middle of the night with the perfect idea. “What about a cut blue teddy bear, but it has a long tendril of snot hanging from its nose?!”
“Shut up and let me sleep,” murmured Mrs Pokémon, and history was made.
Alcremie
Vanillish, Swirlix and Slurpuff are unquestionably disgusting, but they are as nothing when compared with Alcremie.
All Pokémon made of food are wrong. (OK, technically, all animals are made of food if you’re persuaded to put the effort in, but I mean the ones that are literally constructed out of foodstuffs.) Alcremie doesn’t just appear to look like a pile of whipped cream with two strawberries stuck in, but seems to actually be that.
Evolving from the also gag-inducing Milcery (literally a splash of milk with empty eyes), it can take on all manner of forms (or, let’s face it, flavors) depending upon how the trainer is moving at the time of the evolution. This can lead to Vanilla Cream, Lemon Cream, and Caramel Swirl, along with six others. So…is it for eating? But it’s alive! But it’s made of food! In fact, the answer is, if it likes a trainer, it will produce parts of its body for that person to eat. This is all so wrong.
And as Sword and Shield informs us, “When Alcremie is content, the cream it secretes from its hands becomes sweeter and richer.”
I’m off to be sick now.
Runerigus
I have my problems with Cofagrigus, as it’s a sentient coffin that swallows humans and turns them into mummies, but it’s knocked out of the park by its Galarian cousin, Runerigus. Yamask, in either Unovan or Galarian form, is an upsetting ghost-thing, but given the choice of either evolution, it would never be this one.
What the ever-loving eff is it? It’s apparently made of clay slabs with a serpent drawn on them, but it looks like its in eternal agony, begging for its own death.
This deviant has only ever appeared in one game, Sword and Shield, and may it stay there. Shield’s Pokédex entry reads,
Never touch its shadowlike body, or you’ll be shown the horrific memories behind the picture carved into it.
Arctovish
Talking of Pokémon that look like the living embodiment of a desperate plea to be put down, there’s Arctovish!
“Though it’s able to capture prey by freezing its surroundings, it has trouble eating the prey afterward because its mouth is on top of its head.”
It looks like a whale and oyster crawled into Jeff Goldblum’s teleporters at the same time, and this writhing beast of anguish crawled out, screaming from the top of its head to be put out of its misery.
Fortunately, perhaps, its own mutant form took care of that.
“The skin on its face is impervious to attack, but breathing difficulties made this Pokémon go extinct anyway.”
Mr. Rime
Mr. Mime is a rightly detested Pokémon, the ghoulish melting clown. But Mr. Rime gets too easily overlooked as his far worse cousin. Yes, Mr. Mime’s face makes it look like he will kill your family the moment your back is turned, but there’s a reason Mr. Rime went away for all those years, and now has to inform his neighbors about his criminal record.
Pansage, Pansear, Panpour
Is this a controversial selection? They’re definitely not the most physically revolting Pokémon, although I don’t want to look at them. They don’t have the grossest backstory, because that would involve them being interesting at all. It’s just… it’s just I hate them.
I hate that they exist. I hate that they’re in the games, taking up space. I hate that they look like the cast of some knock-off pre-school cartoon show that airs on a deep cable Christian channel. They’re horrible, awful, dreadful drawings, before they’re even horrible, awful, dreadful Pokémon. They feel like the last idea, when the creators realized they still had three spots to fill, so fudged something in 30 seconds before going to the pub.
I’ll tell you what, though. That green one, the Pansage, its broccoli head can be cut off, hopefully killing it in the process, and then eaten to relieve stress. Get me some Pansage broccoli immediately.
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